


The Garden Song

by knightinmourning



Series: An Ineffable Triptych [1]
Category: Good Omens
Genre: Crowley's Plants (Good Omens), Inspired by Music, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-27 04:45:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19783537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinmourning/pseuds/knightinmourning
Summary: “I guess by now the flowers in your garden know me." - The Garden Song, The Mountain GoatsCrowley's plants are better than any guard dog. Too bad he forgot to tell them not to guard against Aziraphale.





	The Garden Song

The front room of Crowley’s apartment was absolutely full of plants. Vines, flowers, plants with thorns or poison berries, fly traps and pitcher plants, and even an _Amorphophallus titanum_ tucked away in one corner. Everything was growing much better than one would expect in a room with minimal ventilation and no windows, but if you know who lived there, it wasn’t a surprise in the least.

After all, Crowley loved his plants, and his plants loved him back. Or feared him. The exact feeling was up for some debate, seeing as most plants don’t have more than very primitive emotions.

Either way, Crowley would argue, an entire room of plants that felt _something_ towards you at the entrance of your home was a more effective security system than anything on the market. And far less work than a dog.

They did their part, that was for sure. For a long time, not a single living thing made it into the apartment. Insects and mice were routinely exterminated by the vines and carnivorous plants, and on one memorable occasion in the 1920s, a foolish young man who had decided to try to rob the place had been tormented for hours by the garden until Crowley had returned home and freed him.

After that, word got out to stay away from the dark apartment on the sixth floor of Crowley’s little apartment building. It wasn’t just people who stopped coming around, but it seemed all living things had gotten the message.

Well, most of them, at least.

The first time Aziraphale called on Crowley, the demon had been asleep, and the angel thought he might just let himself in and wait a bit. Certainly Crowley wouldn’t mind.

And the demon didn’t mind. Or wouldn’t have, if he’d been awake. Instead, it was up to the front room garden to decide if the angel was safe for their master. Their demon master, who had made it very clear to them that no living thing - especially no _angel_ \- should make it into the apartment.

The resulting scene when Crowley awoke to the sound of panicked shouts was somewhere between hilarious and horrifying.

Aziraphale was suspended in the air by thick vines, while a few of the more thorny plants edged closer to take their turn with the intruder. One particularly large pitcher plant looked like it was just about salivating at the possibility of getting angel meat for dinner. Below him was a bag of what Crowley would bet anything was takeaway for the two of them.

Upon seeing his friend, Aziraphale shifted his attention from trying to talk the plants out of murdering and eating him, to convincing Crowley to stop them. 

“Crowley, thank God! Your front garden is quite lively, but please ask them to put me down now. And consider teaching them not to eat your friends.”

Crowley smirked. “Of course, Angel. You heard him, boys, set him down. And _don’t_ attack him _ever again_ , or you know what will happen to you.” His voice grew more threatening as he spoke and the plants shivered at this, shaking their leaves as if there was a strong breeze in the room, but not so strongly they lost or damaged any leaves or flowers. They’d learned very quickly that if there was one thing their master hated more than them trying to kill the wrong person, it was them not being in anything less than perfect condition.

After that, Aziraphale and the plants forged some kind of friendship between them. Aziraphale had always loved greenery, a love which had only grown since his posting in the Garden of Eden, and he didn’t have a garden of his own to care for, so he spent his energy and passion on Crowley’s.

The plants were still loyal first to Crowley, Aziraphale knew that, but he also sense the changes over the years whenever he stepped into the front room. The plants had come to know him, to understand him, and to love him, in their own way. They had been growing beautifully for Crowley already, but now with the influence of Aziraphale, they were thicker, brighter, and more beautiful than ever, taking over the entire room so that nothing could even consider entering without disappearing in a mess of vines and thorns. They still killed nearly anything that crossed their paths, if something dared try, but now when Aziraphale or Crowley entered the room, they’d part in the center, creating an aisle for them to walk through to enter the rest of the apartment.

If a few of the plants that particularly adored Aziraphale slowly migrated from Crowley’s apartment to A.Z. Fell & Co, well, no one would notice them missing. 

They _were_ great for deterring potential shoplifters, though.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments appreciated :)
> 
> Inspired by [The Garden Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aG0XKWKntOc) by the Mountain Goats.
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [knightinmourning42](http://knightinmourning42.tumblr.com)


End file.
